Lincoln Lee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
skepticalities) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
campfuckuvote2012-06-16 06:35 pm
skepticalities) wrote in campfuckuvote2012-06-16 06:35 pm
(no subject)
More counselors!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. We're good here! Closedddd.
Character: Shatterstar / Gaveedra-Seven
Character's Age: ~26
Job: Swordplay Consultant
Series: X-Factor
Canon: Got a problem? Yo, we’ll solve it. X-Factor Investigations is an independent detective agency that deals with all your mutant-related detecting needs--well, that’s what they’re supposed to do, but really, these guys will happily take any case. Whatever gets the bills paid, right? The motley crew of mutants includes some aliens and a guy who can’t decide if he’s a mutant or not, but they’re a... mostly effective team, when not causing their own problems.
Something of an alien-refugee-turned-human, Shatterstar is a former gladiator and X-Factor’s combat specialist. While he’s incredibly proficient, knowledgeable and a bit of a dick about how good he is with fighting, this means he’s very unfamiliar with how people from this planet behave. He’s really awkward and clueless about certain things, but watching Earth TV has helped his transition from alien to people--somewhat. Quoting Gladiator after unceremoniously kicking The Thing out a window? Sure, why not! “Are you not entertained?” Like hell we aren’t, amigo! Discovering more about people and human behaviour is very important to him--he carefully observes his teammates to learn more about them. Shatterstar is eager to make connections with others as well, either in or out of the sack. His overly casual connections and his lack of a brain-to-mouth filter can sometimes frustrate others. Despite that and his short attention span, Shatterstar’s honest and unique point of view helps his team, and he cares deeply for the rest of his companions.
Sample Post:
You’re a bum, Marce, you’re a bum! What sort of fight were you expecting, facing me? Give me a short-lived and unsatisfying battle like that again and I shall relieve you of several tentacles! I’ll give that your fighting style is creative at least, if terribly inefficient. Using swords in multiple limbs with great flexibility is not a terrible idea in and of itself, but you lack the training necessary to accomplish it well. With some help, there may be potential for you.
But you’ll need much more stamina if you even want to dream of challenging me! I recommend regular exercise in the future. Maybe "Sweating to the Oldies" will be a good program for you, since you can’t run up and down stairs. Or maybe you could even learn a little wax on, wax off--you have more than enough arms to do it. I'd like nothing more than to go a few rounds against that ‘style’ in a real fight, but at your level, you’re nothing more than an insult to sword fighters. You need to become more familiar with your weapon; think of the weapon, feel the weapon, become the weapon. Imagine it as an extension of your tentacle. By the way, did you know your tendrils resemble phalluses?
Oh! So it’s intentional, well, that’s certainly a plus. Noted. They are of impressive size, as well. A very... tantalizing and enticing size, might I add. Despite not being a great fighter, you’re very shapely and you have the most enchanting eyes. Are those your eyes? Whatever they are, I find them quite attractive! Would you be interested in a rendezvous sometime, and becoming more familiar with each other's bodies? Watching a movie together is a common ‘date’ theme... I’d been wanting to see 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, so this seems like a great opportunity. Kirk Douglas was a legend of his time, and you do happen to resemble the giant squid. Perhaps you two are related. There can only be so many giant squids!
While you recuperate, I’m going to see if Camp Fuck You Die has cable. Perhaps satellite TV? I’m leaving. I shall say this in parting: Marcy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Character: David 8
Series: Prometheus
Character Age: looks like someone in his mid-thirties
Job: Systems Complaints and Troubleshooting Liaison
Canon: In the year 2093, humanity has come a long way. Mastering levels of technology never seen before, there are still some things in the universe that remain a mystery, such as, where do we come from? Doctor Elizabeth Shaw intends to find out. Leading a team of scientists, experts and other crew across space in the ship Prometheus to planetary coordinates found in ancient paintings, what Shaw and the others find may be more than they ever wanted to know. Of the 17 crew, 16 are human … and one is not.
David 8 is an android that serves aboard the Prometheus, performing a wide range of duties. Modelled to mimic human appearance and behaviour as closely as possible, David is polite and obedient nearly to a fault, even in the face of derogatory behaviour from the human crew. There is however a sense of something slightly off about him... a misplaced sentiment here, a casual dream-stalking there. You’d be hard-pressed to catch David ever being overtly defiant or rude to people, though occasionally his comments veer into the passive-aggressive and worrying. It’s clear that David has some agenda, and his own behaviours (one might go so far as to say his own 'feelings'). But you can rest mostly assured that David will fulfil his duties without any negative emotions, like disappointment – the lack of which he thinks is wonderful, actually.
Sample Post:
Hello, users of the C.F.U.D. systems network. My name is David, and I have been employed by the director of your facility to help maintain system integrity and satisfaction for her valued guests. Though I have been only recently brought on board as the systems complaints and troubleshooting liaison, I can assure you with confidence that I have thoroughly acquainted myself with its systems and userbase. It would seem that the last person who held this position had to leave in rather a hurry. I can understand his sudden departure, as having reviewed the systems it would be enough to blow anyone’s mind. Though I do intend not to take that as literally as he did.
As I understand it, there have been a number of complaints in the past few days relating to abnormal occurrences amongst the population. I must remind everyone that any episodes of sickness, be they fever, coughing, soreness or severe psychotic breaks are not events that we here in systems maintenance have any control over. Many of you may be overly stressed by the environment. You should take some time to enjoy a hobby other than attempting to kill your fellows; I personally find basketball to be quite relaxing. If you continue to experience these symptoms then I would suggest forwarding your complaints to the hospital staff, as they will be more receptive.
I am also aware that many of you have an axe to grind regarding the reanimated dead in the encampment. Again, I must stress that this is not the responsibility of the technical systems staff, and there is a separate complaints box for issues involving the undead. This is held by a different volunteer undead each day, in order to foster better relations between the local and guest inhabitants. I think you will find that each volunteer is happy to accept any feedback you might give them, and will enjoy the opportunity to pick your brain for thoughts on how to improve their service.
A common question we have received is how to improve the output of the facility-provided laptops. Many have experienced system errors such as redirected webpages, pop-up music videos, and the occasional spontaneous combustion. If your computer begins to behave in a way that does not suit you, please maintain your calm. It does not help to scream at and abuse the computer; it is a machine, and as well all know machines this old can't hear you. Although consider for a moment what it would mean if it could, especially given these computers have almost a compulsion for expelling your darkest secrets across the network. It doesn't seem like such a good plan anymore, does it? So please have some patience until we can find a solution to your computer's problems. I am certain you have tried most vigorously to fix it yourselves, so it may take a more knowledgeable hand to repair.
Although, if I might make an obscure suggestion ... you could try turning it off and on at the switch.
In order to best develop a comprehensive checklist of common system errors and complaints, I have taken the liberty of installing a test subject in one of the underground labs with a standard C.F.U.D. issue laptop and list of most-used functions. He will remain in testing until he has thoroughly experienced every accidentally unscreened comment, uncomfortable anonymous confession, and the archaic but still prevalent 'blue screen of death' fault. It may be ... unpleasant, at times, but you need not fear for his comfort or your own. I have it on good authority that in that lab space, no one will hear him scream.
Not that I encourage any such outcome, of course.
Character name: Harry Lockhart
Series: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Age: 35
Job: Math Teacher
Canon: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a dark comedy spin on the hardboiled noir mystery genre with the most hapless of heroes. Harry Lockhart is a petty thief trying to steal a Christmas present for his niece when it all goes terribly wrong. While trying to dodge the police, he accidentally lands a part in a movie and is promptly flown out to L.A. where he reunites with the girl of his dreams, stumbles into a couple murder conspiracies, and gets his finger eaten by a dog. Yay, Christmas is saved.
Some might call Harry unlucky, but he's more accurately called a total loser fuckup idiot. He's never finished anything he started and he uses his skills as a failed magician to get by as a failure of a crook. He can't even remember basic grammar rules and is truly, unspeakably inept at math. His only real talent is an uncanny knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the wrong place at the right time, depending on your perspective. Despite always having the odds stacked against him, Harry's managed to remain a pretty upstanding and optimistic guy. Sure, his job may not be the most respectable and he's a whirlwind of mistakes, but he really and truly means well and wants to do right by people. If nobody else is steps up, then this fidgety, fast-talking, slow-thinking perpetual screw-up is going to save the day.
Sample Post:
Not that I have first hand experience, but I'm pretty sure a summer camp -- which happens in the summer, when there is no school -- doesn't need any kind of math class. Shouldn't it be classes on making friendship bracelets and macrame canoes and singing around campfires without falling in? None of that shit involves counting. I'm also pretty sure teachers have to be, like, qualified. But none of that matters because I've just been informed that "summer camp" is apparently what the kids these days call "hellish eternal prison from which there was no escape." Which, by the way, you still don't need math for unless it's, I don't know. One shiv, two shiv, red shiv, blue shiv. Wait, shit, red and blue aren't numbers.
So, uh, now that we've firmly established that this is a bullshit subject and nobody is going to be learning any special lessons today, I guess we can start. Let's talk about fractions. Okay, so a fraction is, you know, like if you fall and break your arm but not all the way? Fuck, no, that's a fracture. That's not even. Jesus. This is a mess. I'll be honest, I wrote out this lesson plan after a liiiittle bit of drinking, but fuck it, too late, let's just roll with it.
Oh, you know what, here's a good example. So if you've got ten fingers and then hypothetically a dog eats one of your fingers, now you've only got a fraction of your fingers left. Nine out of ten. Bam, that's math. I guess a neat thing about fractions is you can make them into percentages, which is helpful if you want to be a bookie. So you start with ten fingers, then hypothetical dog, then nine fingers. That leaves you with …
With, uh …
Eighty-one percent? Right? Because nine … times nine. That's right. I think? Fuck. Can I say "fuck" in class?
You know what, scratch all that. You guys go on, get out of here. When we see how many make it back tomorrow then we'll have a lesson on your odds of surviving a zombie attack. It's probably not eighty-one percent.
Character: Clint Barton aka "Hawkeye"
Series: Marvel Cinematic Universe (Thor/Avengers)
Character Age: Late twenties
Job: Legolas Stunt Double / Studio Liaison
Canon: Nick Fury had a plan. The plan was, should aliens, monsters, or anything that could not be killed via explosions and bullets invade the planet, he would recruit a team of people to deal with exotic problems. Of course that team contained a man with anger issues (Hulk), a man with ego issues (Iron Man), a man that has soldier issues (Captain America), a demi-god with brotherly issues (Thor), a woman that has a sordid past issues (Black Widow) and ... Clint Barton. Together, they fight alien invasions and prevent New York from collapsing. Again.
While Clint Barton might lack issues, he is by no means invulnerable. A top-notch bowman and spy for S.H.I.E.L.D, Clint has proven that he cares for his subordinates and colleagues, even if he prefers to view them from a distance. This also lends him empathy for other people, willing to give them a chance rather than to attack first. Briskly professional, calm under fire and level-headed, Clint rarely gets carried away, using his flippant, snarky humour to keep himself in check. However, like any person who has been used and hurt, Clint can take any sorrow and grief and turn it into ass-kicking and an arrow to the balls.
Sample Entry:
Hello, I'm Legolas and this is all my boss's fault, but what else is new in the world? Remember that for later, kids. Everything is your boss's fault. If it isn't, then it's aliens. That's what my late-night briefings have told me. I'm here for my movie shoot, which involves me being awesome and shooting stuff. I love shooting stuff for the camera and with a bow. Anyway, if you're wondering why I'm missing the perfectly shaped nose and the hair, it's because I was dragged off in the middle of the night by my boss and I had no time for make-up. But that's okay because I'm still Legolas. You can't expect me to believe he doesn't have bad hair days. Everyone has bad hair days. Though you guys seem to be living in the bad hair years. Don't worry, I've got an arrow to fix that. How else do you think Legolas can look this way?
Anyway, I work for Studio S.H.I.E.L.D and I'm here to be the liaison between them and Studio C.F.U.D. I'm sure we can come to a reasonable compromise about this partnership. Compromises are good when you don't want your hands cut down by pointy things. By the way, get them out of my quiver. Seriously, you don't know how hard it is to find quality grade feathers. Right, time to get back on track. If I want to get the right angles for my hair-flip, then I need your help. You guys have connections with every toucan in this area and I need them to be my eyes ... and ... psychic eyes. I want in, I want to be on every in if we're going to play together. But I don't want to be so deep in that I start imagining elvish sheep in my dreams. I'm just here to look out for you, whether from here or topside, because that's what I do. That's what I'll always do. Just don't screw it up. It's been a bad week for legitimate reasons that totally involves shooting... with a camera. Also, I'm entitled to venting any way I please. It's in the contract. Unlike my vacation time.
Okay, that's no reason to overreact and demand brains. My brains work fine and I'm a little insulted, considering you guys seem to be the ones in dire need of them. If you need Legolas... me for anything, I'm at your service. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. You'll try and find some other poor schmuck with a minimum amount of archery experience. As for me, depending on how co-operative you are, I get to decide whether I let it go and cut you down right now. That means you all need to stop trying to drool at me. I'm a stunt double marks-man, my eyes are exceptionally good and exceptionally annoyed for being this good, because wow that's some spittle gross factor. It's like you've never met an elf before. Granted, I'm practically an elven stud. Though it's been bothering me that you can't seem to stop muttering brains over and over. And okay, woah, no clawing. I will hit you with the bow, don't think I won't. And I'd feel bad for the bow.
Man, is the Shire always like this? I miss Budapest.
Character: September
Series: Fringe.
Character Age: Appears in his 30s.
Job: --- Collision Specialist
Canon: Fringe Division, the Other X-Files, is an FBI task force with mad scientist Walter Bishop, his son, Peter Bishop, poor Agent Astrid Farnsworth, and badass Agent Olivia Dunham. They work in a lab out of Harvard University, solving bizarre crimes mostly committed in the name of other mad science, with the help of a cow. In 2008, Olivia noticed a strange bald man watching two of these "Fringe events" in the background. This wasn't the first appearance of the aptly named Observer the FBI had recorded. There were hundreds of times they'd caught him on film watching important and strange events since they first realized he existed. Despite their efforts, the FBI has been unable to make contact with these Observers, and what their agenda may be is as of yet unknown.
September is one of a team of future-human time traveling scientists from the year 2609. The screw-up of the team, because there's always one. September is fairly friendly and talkative by Observer standards, which is still less so than the average human being. Typical of all the Observers, September shows little emotion even when fatally wounded, yet he seems to be fond of Walter more than anyone. He speaks and walks stiffly, he has superhuman strength and the ability to catch bullets. His hobbies including eating chili peppers whole, watching innocent people die in gruesome ways, and making sure Peter Bishop gets laid by the "right" Olivia.
Sample Entry:
Hello, Camp Fuck You Die. Would you like me to tell you about the weather? It is ... pleasant today because it is sunny and not raining. I have observed that is the type of weather most humans wish for. I also prefer to be dry, and to be swimming more than to be rained on. I would like to be called September. September is a code designation, although it is extremely unlikely that any of you will be able to find my home and expose me. It is a good name.
I have come here deliberately. I seem to have been given an assignment, on paper, from an unknown source. I am now Camp Fuck You Die's Collision Specialist. A collision is approaching. It was highly improbable that such an event would occur, and yet it I see it has begun. Probability does not seem to mean much these days.
...
I know that is not what you wanted to hear. I must attempt 'small talk' another time. Yes. I am as trapped as you are since I have passed the barrier. It is unfortunate. I dislike to remain in one place when all of space and time is open to me... but it is much more stimulating than being locked out of my favorite universe. By the way, I did not know a purple species of gorilla existed, or the zombie disease was this numerous in 2012, in any possible timeline. I must bring my... friend to Camp when I am set free.
... I would appreciate a room to rest in when I need to. I sleep, though I do not dream. I do not 'snore'. I would also like to possess a new briefcase, three notebooks, and five pens, my own pepper shaker or chili peppers, a blanket, an umbrella, scissors, and every unused newspaper in Camp. These are unnecessary things for my own comfort and entertainment. I cannot taste much if is not spicy.
Oh. I see you are worried about my 'job'? Yes. I will do my duty, I have not forgotten. I should not get involved, but I believe this may be an emergency. Someone must find the parts for the device I have drawn here in your laboratory, or you will all die. Soon, I will have a list of the items that need to be collected. It is fortunate for you that Peter Bishop is here, for he is the most important piece.
Character: Yabe "Yabecchi" Satoshi
Series: Mitsudomoe
Character Age: 23
Job: Hands-on Learning Coordinator
Canon: Yabe Satoshi is just starting out his career in teaching, and he couldn't be more excited! He's determined to be the greatest teacher ever, after all. But that dream quickly goes down the drain as he's assigned to class 6-3 which happens to house a number of weird students, but most notably, the infamous Marui triplets: Mitsuba who is slightly sadistic and tries to act mature all the time, Futaba who is perverted and athletic and possesses inhuman strength, and the reserved Hitoha who is terrible at socializing and gives off an altogether unpleasant aura while possibly being the most perverted and sadistic of the bunch. Together the three of them practically rule the classroom, and Yabe has no choice but to endure it while trying to make the most of the situation.
But that's easier said than done, considering his own personality is a great disadvantage for him. He's cheerful yet timid, naive, and... an obvious virgin (a point which he is indeed quite sensitive about, even if he will freely admit the full extent of its truth). This makes him a prime target for bullying by his students who are absolutely merciless in their attacks. Since he's weak under pressure, even from children, he breaks easily and often forgets his place as the adult. Though unintentional, he seems to get caught in their flow, but this is perhaps because he is extremely childish. His young-at-heart enthusiasm should allow him to connect with his students more easily, but whether by bad timing or altogether bad luck, his intentions never seem to come across clearly and conversely, he is almost always misunderstood and even made to look like a pervert. All in all, he tries really hard, and though he is prone to an easy surrender, he cares deeply for his students and everything he endures on account of it has to be some sort of proof of that.
Sample Post:
It's heeeeeere!! My first time as an elementary school teacher chaperoning for an extracurricular event! And not just any event. It's summer camp! Summ~er ca~mp ♪! Roasting marshmallows, singing songs, and sleeping beneath the stars... Yep! This is where it's at! Really, those other teachers are missing out just because they have so-called "plans" with their so-called "romantic interests". They're truly the ones I pity, for they will never know the kind of joy one can receive by going the extra mile to bond with the children. Even though I'm the teacher, I've been amazed by just how much they've taught me in return. It might be biased of me to say, having never shared close relations with anyone but them, but I can say that no one has ever touched me like my students have!
Speaking of, I hope I'm not too late for my first morning activity session. My feet have been dragging today since I spent three-fourths of last night trying to think up fun and exciting games for them to play and the last fourth googling them instead. But I've gotta set a good example for the kids, so let's pick up the energy! Three, two, one, and let's open the door!
Good morning, every—! Oh, it looks like I wasn't the only one having a rough night. There's such a lack of energy in here, I'm starting to feel a little depressed. And is it my imagination or does everyone look sort of greenish? And even worse, what is that smell? Don't tell me you were all out playing in the swamp. You know, I'm the one who's going to have to clean up this mess after you guys, so please take a bath before coming from now on!
Now I know it's summer vacation for you all, it's important to keep up with your studies, and that's what I'm here for. But don't worry; this isn't school, so there won't be homework or tests or anything like that. Instead, I've got a bunch of fun games that will help keep your brainpower up! Oh, it looks like that got everyone's attention! I knew it! There isn't a kid alive who doesn't love a good game!
And so I understand that you're all excited, but you don't have to get out of your seats just yet! I'm glad that you're so focused on enriching your "braaaiiiins", but you're all getting a liiittle too close and I'm started to feel swamped here, myself, so— Hey! Where do you think you're grabbing!?
Okay... I think now I can say with 100% honesty that no one has ever touched me like my students have.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Character: Shatterstar / Gaveedra-Seven
Character's Age: ~26
Job: Swordplay Consultant
Series: X-Factor
Canon: Got a problem? Yo, we’ll solve it. X-Factor Investigations is an independent detective agency that deals with all your mutant-related detecting needs--well, that’s what they’re supposed to do, but really, these guys will happily take any case. Whatever gets the bills paid, right? The motley crew of mutants includes some aliens and a guy who can’t decide if he’s a mutant or not, but they’re a... mostly effective team, when not causing their own problems.
Something of an alien-refugee-turned-human, Shatterstar is a former gladiator and X-Factor’s combat specialist. While he’s incredibly proficient, knowledgeable and a bit of a dick about how good he is with fighting, this means he’s very unfamiliar with how people from this planet behave. He’s really awkward and clueless about certain things, but watching Earth TV has helped his transition from alien to people--somewhat. Quoting Gladiator after unceremoniously kicking The Thing out a window? Sure, why not! “Are you not entertained?” Like hell we aren’t, amigo! Discovering more about people and human behaviour is very important to him--he carefully observes his teammates to learn more about them. Shatterstar is eager to make connections with others as well, either in or out of the sack. His overly casual connections and his lack of a brain-to-mouth filter can sometimes frustrate others. Despite that and his short attention span, Shatterstar’s honest and unique point of view helps his team, and he cares deeply for the rest of his companions.
Sample Post:
You’re a bum, Marce, you’re a bum! What sort of fight were you expecting, facing me? Give me a short-lived and unsatisfying battle like that again and I shall relieve you of several tentacles! I’ll give that your fighting style is creative at least, if terribly inefficient. Using swords in multiple limbs with great flexibility is not a terrible idea in and of itself, but you lack the training necessary to accomplish it well. With some help, there may be potential for you.
But you’ll need much more stamina if you even want to dream of challenging me! I recommend regular exercise in the future. Maybe "Sweating to the Oldies" will be a good program for you, since you can’t run up and down stairs. Or maybe you could even learn a little wax on, wax off--you have more than enough arms to do it. I'd like nothing more than to go a few rounds against that ‘style’ in a real fight, but at your level, you’re nothing more than an insult to sword fighters. You need to become more familiar with your weapon; think of the weapon, feel the weapon, become the weapon. Imagine it as an extension of your tentacle. By the way, did you know your tendrils resemble phalluses?
Oh! So it’s intentional, well, that’s certainly a plus. Noted. They are of impressive size, as well. A very... tantalizing and enticing size, might I add. Despite not being a great fighter, you’re very shapely and you have the most enchanting eyes. Are those your eyes? Whatever they are, I find them quite attractive! Would you be interested in a rendezvous sometime, and becoming more familiar with each other's bodies? Watching a movie together is a common ‘date’ theme... I’d been wanting to see 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, so this seems like a great opportunity. Kirk Douglas was a legend of his time, and you do happen to resemble the giant squid. Perhaps you two are related. There can only be so many giant squids!
While you recuperate, I’m going to see if Camp Fuck You Die has cable. Perhaps satellite TV? I’m leaving. I shall say this in parting: Marcy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Poll #10855 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 47
In or out?
Character: David 8
Series: Prometheus
Character Age: looks like someone in his mid-thirties
Job: Systems Complaints and Troubleshooting Liaison
Canon: In the year 2093, humanity has come a long way. Mastering levels of technology never seen before, there are still some things in the universe that remain a mystery, such as, where do we come from? Doctor Elizabeth Shaw intends to find out. Leading a team of scientists, experts and other crew across space in the ship Prometheus to planetary coordinates found in ancient paintings, what Shaw and the others find may be more than they ever wanted to know. Of the 17 crew, 16 are human … and one is not.
David 8 is an android that serves aboard the Prometheus, performing a wide range of duties. Modelled to mimic human appearance and behaviour as closely as possible, David is polite and obedient nearly to a fault, even in the face of derogatory behaviour from the human crew. There is however a sense of something slightly off about him... a misplaced sentiment here, a casual dream-stalking there. You’d be hard-pressed to catch David ever being overtly defiant or rude to people, though occasionally his comments veer into the passive-aggressive and worrying. It’s clear that David has some agenda, and his own behaviours (one might go so far as to say his own 'feelings'). But you can rest mostly assured that David will fulfil his duties without any negative emotions, like disappointment – the lack of which he thinks is wonderful, actually.
Sample Post:
Hello, users of the C.F.U.D. systems network. My name is David, and I have been employed by the director of your facility to help maintain system integrity and satisfaction for her valued guests. Though I have been only recently brought on board as the systems complaints and troubleshooting liaison, I can assure you with confidence that I have thoroughly acquainted myself with its systems and userbase. It would seem that the last person who held this position had to leave in rather a hurry. I can understand his sudden departure, as having reviewed the systems it would be enough to blow anyone’s mind. Though I do intend not to take that as literally as he did.
As I understand it, there have been a number of complaints in the past few days relating to abnormal occurrences amongst the population. I must remind everyone that any episodes of sickness, be they fever, coughing, soreness or severe psychotic breaks are not events that we here in systems maintenance have any control over. Many of you may be overly stressed by the environment. You should take some time to enjoy a hobby other than attempting to kill your fellows; I personally find basketball to be quite relaxing. If you continue to experience these symptoms then I would suggest forwarding your complaints to the hospital staff, as they will be more receptive.
I am also aware that many of you have an axe to grind regarding the reanimated dead in the encampment. Again, I must stress that this is not the responsibility of the technical systems staff, and there is a separate complaints box for issues involving the undead. This is held by a different volunteer undead each day, in order to foster better relations between the local and guest inhabitants. I think you will find that each volunteer is happy to accept any feedback you might give them, and will enjoy the opportunity to pick your brain for thoughts on how to improve their service.
A common question we have received is how to improve the output of the facility-provided laptops. Many have experienced system errors such as redirected webpages, pop-up music videos, and the occasional spontaneous combustion. If your computer begins to behave in a way that does not suit you, please maintain your calm. It does not help to scream at and abuse the computer; it is a machine, and as well all know machines this old can't hear you. Although consider for a moment what it would mean if it could, especially given these computers have almost a compulsion for expelling your darkest secrets across the network. It doesn't seem like such a good plan anymore, does it? So please have some patience until we can find a solution to your computer's problems. I am certain you have tried most vigorously to fix it yourselves, so it may take a more knowledgeable hand to repair.
Although, if I might make an obscure suggestion ... you could try turning it off and on at the switch.
In order to best develop a comprehensive checklist of common system errors and complaints, I have taken the liberty of installing a test subject in one of the underground labs with a standard C.F.U.D. issue laptop and list of most-used functions. He will remain in testing until he has thoroughly experienced every accidentally unscreened comment, uncomfortable anonymous confession, and the archaic but still prevalent 'blue screen of death' fault. It may be ... unpleasant, at times, but you need not fear for his comfort or your own. I have it on good authority that in that lab space, no one will hear him scream.
Not that I encourage any such outcome, of course.
Poll #10856 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 43
In or out?
Character name: Harry Lockhart
Series: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Age: 35
Job: Math Teacher
Canon: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a dark comedy spin on the hardboiled noir mystery genre with the most hapless of heroes. Harry Lockhart is a petty thief trying to steal a Christmas present for his niece when it all goes terribly wrong. While trying to dodge the police, he accidentally lands a part in a movie and is promptly flown out to L.A. where he reunites with the girl of his dreams, stumbles into a couple murder conspiracies, and gets his finger eaten by a dog. Yay, Christmas is saved.
Some might call Harry unlucky, but he's more accurately called a total loser fuckup idiot. He's never finished anything he started and he uses his skills as a failed magician to get by as a failure of a crook. He can't even remember basic grammar rules and is truly, unspeakably inept at math. His only real talent is an uncanny knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the wrong place at the right time, depending on your perspective. Despite always having the odds stacked against him, Harry's managed to remain a pretty upstanding and optimistic guy. Sure, his job may not be the most respectable and he's a whirlwind of mistakes, but he really and truly means well and wants to do right by people. If nobody else is steps up, then this fidgety, fast-talking, slow-thinking perpetual screw-up is going to save the day.
Sample Post:
Not that I have first hand experience, but I'm pretty sure a summer camp -- which happens in the summer, when there is no school -- doesn't need any kind of math class. Shouldn't it be classes on making friendship bracelets and macrame canoes and singing around campfires without falling in? None of that shit involves counting. I'm also pretty sure teachers have to be, like, qualified. But none of that matters because I've just been informed that "summer camp" is apparently what the kids these days call "hellish eternal prison from which there was no escape." Which, by the way, you still don't need math for unless it's, I don't know. One shiv, two shiv, red shiv, blue shiv. Wait, shit, red and blue aren't numbers.
So, uh, now that we've firmly established that this is a bullshit subject and nobody is going to be learning any special lessons today, I guess we can start. Let's talk about fractions. Okay, so a fraction is, you know, like if you fall and break your arm but not all the way? Fuck, no, that's a fracture. That's not even. Jesus. This is a mess. I'll be honest, I wrote out this lesson plan after a liiiittle bit of drinking, but fuck it, too late, let's just roll with it.
Oh, you know what, here's a good example. So if you've got ten fingers and then hypothetically a dog eats one of your fingers, now you've only got a fraction of your fingers left. Nine out of ten. Bam, that's math. I guess a neat thing about fractions is you can make them into percentages, which is helpful if you want to be a bookie. So you start with ten fingers, then hypothetical dog, then nine fingers. That leaves you with …
With, uh …
Eighty-one percent? Right? Because nine … times nine. That's right. I think? Fuck. Can I say "fuck" in class?
You know what, scratch all that. You guys go on, get out of here. When we see how many make it back tomorrow then we'll have a lesson on your odds of surviving a zombie attack. It's probably not eighty-one percent.
Poll #10857 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 46
In or out?
Character: Clint Barton aka "Hawkeye"
Series: Marvel Cinematic Universe (Thor/Avengers)
Character Age: Late twenties
Job: Legolas Stunt Double / Studio Liaison
Canon: Nick Fury had a plan. The plan was, should aliens, monsters, or anything that could not be killed via explosions and bullets invade the planet, he would recruit a team of people to deal with exotic problems. Of course that team contained a man with anger issues (Hulk), a man with ego issues (Iron Man), a man that has soldier issues (Captain America), a demi-god with brotherly issues (Thor), a woman that has a sordid past issues (Black Widow) and ... Clint Barton. Together, they fight alien invasions and prevent New York from collapsing. Again.
While Clint Barton might lack issues, he is by no means invulnerable. A top-notch bowman and spy for S.H.I.E.L.D, Clint has proven that he cares for his subordinates and colleagues, even if he prefers to view them from a distance. This also lends him empathy for other people, willing to give them a chance rather than to attack first. Briskly professional, calm under fire and level-headed, Clint rarely gets carried away, using his flippant, snarky humour to keep himself in check. However, like any person who has been used and hurt, Clint can take any sorrow and grief and turn it into ass-kicking and an arrow to the balls.
Sample Entry:
Hello, I'm Legolas and this is all my boss's fault, but what else is new in the world? Remember that for later, kids. Everything is your boss's fault. If it isn't, then it's aliens. That's what my late-night briefings have told me. I'm here for my movie shoot, which involves me being awesome and shooting stuff. I love shooting stuff for the camera and with a bow. Anyway, if you're wondering why I'm missing the perfectly shaped nose and the hair, it's because I was dragged off in the middle of the night by my boss and I had no time for make-up. But that's okay because I'm still Legolas. You can't expect me to believe he doesn't have bad hair days. Everyone has bad hair days. Though you guys seem to be living in the bad hair years. Don't worry, I've got an arrow to fix that. How else do you think Legolas can look this way?
Anyway, I work for Studio S.H.I.E.L.D and I'm here to be the liaison between them and Studio C.F.U.D. I'm sure we can come to a reasonable compromise about this partnership. Compromises are good when you don't want your hands cut down by pointy things. By the way, get them out of my quiver. Seriously, you don't know how hard it is to find quality grade feathers. Right, time to get back on track. If I want to get the right angles for my hair-flip, then I need your help. You guys have connections with every toucan in this area and I need them to be my eyes ... and ... psychic eyes. I want in, I want to be on every in if we're going to play together. But I don't want to be so deep in that I start imagining elvish sheep in my dreams. I'm just here to look out for you, whether from here or topside, because that's what I do. That's what I'll always do. Just don't screw it up. It's been a bad week for legitimate reasons that totally involves shooting... with a camera. Also, I'm entitled to venting any way I please. It's in the contract. Unlike my vacation time.
Okay, that's no reason to overreact and demand brains. My brains work fine and I'm a little insulted, considering you guys seem to be the ones in dire need of them. If you need Legolas... me for anything, I'm at your service. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. You'll try and find some other poor schmuck with a minimum amount of archery experience. As for me, depending on how co-operative you are, I get to decide whether I let it go and cut you down right now. That means you all need to stop trying to drool at me. I'm a stunt double marks-man, my eyes are exceptionally good and exceptionally annoyed for being this good, because wow that's some spittle gross factor. It's like you've never met an elf before. Granted, I'm practically an elven stud. Though it's been bothering me that you can't seem to stop muttering brains over and over. And okay, woah, no clawing. I will hit you with the bow, don't think I won't. And I'd feel bad for the bow.
Man, is the Shire always like this? I miss Budapest.
Poll #10858 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 46
In or out?
Character: September
Series: Fringe.
Character Age: Appears in his 30s.
Job: --- Collision Specialist
Canon: Fringe Division, the Other X-Files, is an FBI task force with mad scientist Walter Bishop, his son, Peter Bishop, poor Agent Astrid Farnsworth, and badass Agent Olivia Dunham. They work in a lab out of Harvard University, solving bizarre crimes mostly committed in the name of other mad science, with the help of a cow. In 2008, Olivia noticed a strange bald man watching two of these "Fringe events" in the background. This wasn't the first appearance of the aptly named Observer the FBI had recorded. There were hundreds of times they'd caught him on film watching important and strange events since they first realized he existed. Despite their efforts, the FBI has been unable to make contact with these Observers, and what their agenda may be is as of yet unknown.
September is one of a team of future-human time traveling scientists from the year 2609. The screw-up of the team, because there's always one. September is fairly friendly and talkative by Observer standards, which is still less so than the average human being. Typical of all the Observers, September shows little emotion even when fatally wounded, yet he seems to be fond of Walter more than anyone. He speaks and walks stiffly, he has superhuman strength and the ability to catch bullets. His hobbies including eating chili peppers whole, watching innocent people die in gruesome ways, and making sure Peter Bishop gets laid by the "right" Olivia.
Sample Entry:
Hello, Camp Fuck You Die. Would you like me to tell you about the weather? It is ... pleasant today because it is sunny and not raining. I have observed that is the type of weather most humans wish for. I also prefer to be dry, and to be swimming more than to be rained on. I would like to be called September. September is a code designation, although it is extremely unlikely that any of you will be able to find my home and expose me. It is a good name.
I have come here deliberately. I seem to have been given an assignment, on paper, from an unknown source. I am now Camp Fuck You Die's Collision Specialist. A collision is approaching. It was highly improbable that such an event would occur, and yet it I see it has begun. Probability does not seem to mean much these days.
...
I know that is not what you wanted to hear. I must attempt 'small talk' another time. Yes. I am as trapped as you are since I have passed the barrier. It is unfortunate. I dislike to remain in one place when all of space and time is open to me... but it is much more stimulating than being locked out of my favorite universe. By the way, I did not know a purple species of gorilla existed, or the zombie disease was this numerous in 2012, in any possible timeline. I must bring my... friend to Camp when I am set free.
... I would appreciate a room to rest in when I need to. I sleep, though I do not dream. I do not 'snore'. I would also like to possess a new briefcase, three notebooks, and five pens, my own pepper shaker or chili peppers, a blanket, an umbrella, scissors, and every unused newspaper in Camp. These are unnecessary things for my own comfort and entertainment. I cannot taste much if is not spicy.
Oh. I see you are worried about my 'job'? Yes. I will do my duty, I have not forgotten. I should not get involved, but I believe this may be an emergency. Someone must find the parts for the device I have drawn here in your laboratory, or you will all die. Soon, I will have a list of the items that need to be collected. It is fortunate for you that Peter Bishop is here, for he is the most important piece.
Poll #10859 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 46
In or out?
Character: Yabe "Yabecchi" Satoshi
Series: Mitsudomoe
Character Age: 23
Job: Hands-on Learning Coordinator
Canon: Yabe Satoshi is just starting out his career in teaching, and he couldn't be more excited! He's determined to be the greatest teacher ever, after all. But that dream quickly goes down the drain as he's assigned to class 6-3 which happens to house a number of weird students, but most notably, the infamous Marui triplets: Mitsuba who is slightly sadistic and tries to act mature all the time, Futaba who is perverted and athletic and possesses inhuman strength, and the reserved Hitoha who is terrible at socializing and gives off an altogether unpleasant aura while possibly being the most perverted and sadistic of the bunch. Together the three of them practically rule the classroom, and Yabe has no choice but to endure it while trying to make the most of the situation.
But that's easier said than done, considering his own personality is a great disadvantage for him. He's cheerful yet timid, naive, and... an obvious virgin (a point which he is indeed quite sensitive about, even if he will freely admit the full extent of its truth). This makes him a prime target for bullying by his students who are absolutely merciless in their attacks. Since he's weak under pressure, even from children, he breaks easily and often forgets his place as the adult. Though unintentional, he seems to get caught in their flow, but this is perhaps because he is extremely childish. His young-at-heart enthusiasm should allow him to connect with his students more easily, but whether by bad timing or altogether bad luck, his intentions never seem to come across clearly and conversely, he is almost always misunderstood and even made to look like a pervert. All in all, he tries really hard, and though he is prone to an easy surrender, he cares deeply for his students and everything he endures on account of it has to be some sort of proof of that.
Sample Post:
It's heeeeeere!! My first time as an elementary school teacher chaperoning for an extracurricular event! And not just any event. It's summer camp! Summ~er ca~mp ♪! Roasting marshmallows, singing songs, and sleeping beneath the stars... Yep! This is where it's at! Really, those other teachers are missing out just because they have so-called "plans" with their so-called "romantic interests". They're truly the ones I pity, for they will never know the kind of joy one can receive by going the extra mile to bond with the children. Even though I'm the teacher, I've been amazed by just how much they've taught me in return. It might be biased of me to say, having never shared close relations with anyone but them, but I can say that no one has ever touched me like my students have!
Speaking of, I hope I'm not too late for my first morning activity session. My feet have been dragging today since I spent three-fourths of last night trying to think up fun and exciting games for them to play and the last fourth googling them instead. But I've gotta set a good example for the kids, so let's pick up the energy! Three, two, one, and let's open the door!
Good morning, every—! Oh, it looks like I wasn't the only one having a rough night. There's such a lack of energy in here, I'm starting to feel a little depressed. And is it my imagination or does everyone look sort of greenish? And even worse, what is that smell? Don't tell me you were all out playing in the swamp. You know, I'm the one who's going to have to clean up this mess after you guys, so please take a bath before coming from now on!
Now I know it's summer vacation for you all, it's important to keep up with your studies, and that's what I'm here for. But don't worry; this isn't school, so there won't be homework or tests or anything like that. Instead, I've got a bunch of fun games that will help keep your brainpower up! Oh, it looks like that got everyone's attention! I knew it! There isn't a kid alive who doesn't love a good game!
And so I understand that you're all excited, but you don't have to get out of your seats just yet! I'm glad that you're so focused on enriching your "braaaiiiins", but you're all getting a liiittle too close and I'm started to feel swamped here, myself, so— Hey! Where do you think you're grabbing!?
Okay... I think now I can say with 100% honesty that no one has ever touched me like my students have.
Poll #10860 Vote!
Open to: Access List, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 45
In or out?
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Also September!!!1
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Also, all in.
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ALL IN
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All in.
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